I’m sitting here trying to decide what to do today, or what’s left of it since it is after 1 pm already. The adrenal support medicine and the PEMF mat I used this morning have given me a little boost in my mood but not quite enough. My body hurts ALL OVER. My joints are week and my muscles are sore, or cramping up whenever they choose, so my activity choices are limited. I look around my house and see a mountain of chores that need to be done. My house is falling apart and I don’t have the strength to do much about. On top of that, I seem to be a victim of Lyme Rage. Finally there is a name I can put to the craziness in my brain that I have experienced all these years.
I started Doxycycline about a month ago and it was a rough first week. The pain and depressed mood were horrible. My doctor here at home introduced me to a Pulsed Electromagnetic Field mat (PEMF) and it has been somewhat of a life saver! If you have pain, it is definitely worth getting out online to research. It helps to take the edge off of the pain and gives a temporary boost in my mood. I was beyond excited for about a week and a half, then a kidney stone got me. Yikes!! That was the worst pain I have ever felt…in my life! It hit me while my husband and I were at a banquet. We don’t get out like that much so it was fun to be dressed up and feeling like an adult for the night. Thirty minutes into it the pain hit on my left side. We were at an ER within 15 minutes and I don’t remember a whole lot other than the pain. I was stunned when the doctor mentioned a kidney stone. It never crossed my mind. I figured with all the Lyme medication that it was just bowel. I even resisted going to the ER at first because I didn’t want to spend money for them to tell me I just needed a bowel movement! I wasn’t interested in that kind of embarrassment. So anyway, it was a long, miserable night and then they sent me home. It took the better part of the weekend to recover. I believe the stress of it really flared the Lyme symptoms and this week has been slow going. The rage feelings are back and I have started to retreat into myself in fear of making others uncomfortable. Friends have encouraged me to continue with the blogging and FB page as others may have the same issue. Today’s blog sounds a bit of a downer but it’s my life for the time being.
I have met a lot of friends this year who have Lyme but not many who have the Lyme rage. It is a scary thing to deal with. For years I have dipped in and out of serious depression and suicidal thoughts. It frustrated me because I felt like I was crazy and it didn’t make sense. I am able to talk myself through most of my illness but the rage and depression I can’t talk myself down from. Every little thing gets me riled up and I feel anger boiling under the surface all the time. I don’t understand how I can be useful like this but I have to trust that God knows what is going on. That is not easy for me to do because my anger gets vented toward Him as well. My reality gets really skewed and it is hard to wait/hope for better days.
I am weary of my days consisting of medication schedules and doctor visits but I am grateful to have access to both. By the end of this month I will find out my tests results and further treatment. It has only just begun. After all these years, I have finally reached the “ground floor” of my health problems, which I am so glad to know, but it is a tough road ahead of me. I am afraid of being stuck with laying on the couch all day binge watching shows. If it is temporary, I will learn to live with it and enjoy some new show series, but I don’t want to be there long. For now, I guess I will get up and do some dishes and laundry, but I’m already exhausted thinking about it.