Pressing on

 

 

This week has been the hardest one yet. Last Tuesday I was slammed with sadness and depression. I actually sobbed all day, unable to stop. A few days later the anger started up. Every little thought sent me spiraling into an emotional crazy place. My life feels so complicated but in reality it is quite uneventful. The only complication is what’s going on inside my body, particularly my brain. The combination of Lyme and Babesia in the brain and a genetic defect called MTHFR makes for my own personal “perfect storm”.  Not being able to control it makes the guilt feel unbearable. Sometimes I want to wear a shirt that says that I am sick and can’t always control the moods but then that makes me look high maintenance and I can’t handle that. So, I have to keep pushing on trying to look normal on the outside when the inside is a mess. I have to find ways to keep going when I don’t want to.

What are my motivations??  

Mostly, I am motivated by my belief and faith that God will see me through. The scripture is filled with promises of God seeing us, loving us and never leaving us. There is nothing that I can do that will change any of that. He is with me and He understands me even when I don’t understand myself.

My next motivation is my husband. He deserves for me to get well. I want to have a long life with him. I want to enjoy taking trips together. He has stuck by me and has always been so helpful and caring. It has not been easy for him these past years. I may be the sick one but he’s had to put up with a lot from me, a lot of things he did not deserve. I want him to have a wife that is whole and well.

Also, I have some pretty strong prayer warriors in my corner. There are friends who really care about me. There are people who have gone above and beyond to help me get well. These people deserve to see some results. There are days that I keep going because I know these people will be asking how I am. They give me strength when I don’t have any. I also feel some accountability which can be a very helpful thing.

What can I do to make this road a little easier??

Get rid of stress!!! Whatever form that is…get rid of it. Let go of the past, give God control of things I can’t do on my own, walk away from things that cause stress. This requires a lot of prayer to discern what is of God and what is not. Some things will come into my life to grow me but some things just cause pain and stress. Reading His Word and talking to Him in prayer will help me see the difference in the two.

Creativity.  Art is something I love. I have so much to learn…watercolor, charcoal sketch, calligraphy………maybe even start a home business using some of these art forms. 

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I am also determined to learn French, or at least continue to learn it. I have a little bit of lessons but so far to go. I know it is crazy given my mental state but it will happen…someday.

Humor. If I can’t find something to laugh about, I don’t think I will survive. I can either be depressed and angry, or I can find humor in it. I would rather laugh than cry. I think most of us would agree.

Finally, music has always been huge for me. It calms me, helps me focus and encourages creativity in me. I want to someday pick up playing the piano again and figure out the flute that I have sitting upstairs in my craft room.  (My craft room… It feels good to have a space for me.  Still needs some work and maybe new furniture someday. I painted the quote on the wall that I used in a previous blog post.)

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I always have some sort of music playing, anything from Mozart and Vivaldi to classic Christian music of the 1980’s to Irish/celtic. Worship songs are the most meaningful and this song has always been a favorite. Point of Grace and Nichole Nordeman have both sung this. I will leave you with these lyrics. They never get old to me.

“You Are Good”

When the sun starts to rise and I open my eyes
You are good, so good
In the heat of the day with each stone that I lay
You are good, so good
With every breath I take in
I’ll tell You I’m grateful again
When the moon rises high before each kiss goodnight
You are good
When the road starts to turn around each bend I’ve learned
You are good, so good
And when somebody’s hand holds me up, helps me stand
You are so goodWith every breath I take in
I’ll tell You I’m grateful again
‘Cause it’s more than enough just to know I am loved
And you are goodSo how can I thank You
And what can I bring
What can a poor man lay at the feet of a King
So I’ll sing You a love song
It’s all that I have
To tell You I’m grateful
For holding my life in Your hands

When it’s dark and it’s cold and I can’t feel my soul
You are so good
When the world has gone gray and the rain’s here to stay
You are still good

So with every breath I take in
I’ll tell you I’m grateful again
And the storm may swell even then it is well
You are good

So how can I thank You
And what can I bring
What can a poor man lay at the feet of a King
So I’ll sing You a love song
It’s all that I have
To tell You I’m grateful
For holding my life in Your hands

 

6 thoughts on “Pressing on

  1. everydaywiththeking says:

    Super tips here for anyone in the hard moments. We are so blessed to have a heavenly Father who will carry us through. You mentioned humor which for me is so so important. I can’t imagine the level of difficulty without humor. Even in the most awful of times I’ve found humor to be a priceless gift. Blessings, Lynn

    Liked by 1 person

  2. lynnjsimpson says:

    Yes, He is good and He is love. And wow, look at the beautiful art you are creating! I think it is okay to have those days when tears don’t stop. Tears are just another language. And laughter another. I adore the vintage look of your craft room too! May you feel Him in that space where you create heart, mind, and soul.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. pia jingco says:

    Thank you for sharing about your motivations and about how you’re dealing with the challenges of living with illness. My husband (who’s going through kidney dialysis) and I, like you, have found what a great gift humor is. Also he’s always asking God to direct him to how and where his experience, especially his pain, can be made useful for Kingdom work. True enough, God has been faithfully sending people his way that he can minister to and pray for, some of them suffering from the same ailments as he is.
    Know that I’ll be praying for your journey!

    Liked by 1 person

    • journeyofhope says:

      So sorry for what your husband is going through. Being able to share with others gives a purpose to the crazyiness in my life. I love to see others who want to minister through their pain. I will be praying for you both. Thank you for sharing your story 💗

      Liked by 1 person

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