As I sit here writing this, I am being swarmed by countless little gnats. I think I am about to lose my mind. It’s hard to believe that something so small can be so overpowering. It makes me think of how we often allow the small things in life to overpower us.
This week my husband and I are camping in the beautiful state of Arkansas. We planned this trip not knowing how my health would be as I never know day to day how I will feel. We trusted that God would work it out. The two of us have desperately needed a vacation to get away from the same old daily pressures that burden us down. To help insure a more pleasant trip, I decided to stop taking my medications for a few days as I was really struggling with side effects. I have trouble with Herxhiemer reactions (sudden increase and intensity of symptoms) when I take Mepron. I had been crying for almost a week and my OCD and paranoia were driving me crazy. Anyway, I was looking forward to getting out and listening to the birds and walking on trails.
So, day one…complete disaster. We got there late and stuff in the car top carrier was wet from the storm we drove through. We forgot so many important things like cooking utensils and ziploc bags. We set up camp in the dark and went to bed in the foulest of moods. The next day had some improvements and we walked several beautiful trails.
I thought I would be very limited in how much activity I could do but I walked for hours. I kept saying in my head, “I can’t believe I am walking this far”. Isn’t it funny how often we pray for something and find ourselves shocked when it happens! It is sad how I so often doubt that God will answer my prayers, even though He has answered so many of them all these years.
I have never been one who found it easy to step out on faith. I am sure I am not alone. Stepping out on faith would mean handing over control. No one is ever excited about that. I want to control what might happen to me and most of the time I think I can do it better myself. I know that is flawed, soooo..moving on.
My two biggest fears have always been water and heights….especially heights, but, walking these trails meant scaling some tall hills and standing at lookout points that would make anyone feel very small.
I try to step out and do things I normally wouldn’t do because I don’t want to live life dissapointed of what I missed because of being fearful. I have been sick for so long and missed out on so much, but not all of that is the illness’ fault. I have missed some really great things through the years because of my fears. I am determined to not let that keep happening. So I say a prayer and step out there. Today was so hard because I pushed myself a bit too much. I thought I could handle the four and a half hour trail but I nearly gave up 2 miles in. My husband encouraged me to keep going and we finally reached the end. Once again I was surprised I made it. God has been with me though this whole illness and has never “let me down”. If I am to ever experience the big things of God I have to trust Him on the small stuff.
Just last week I watched a movie about the late Christian music artist Rich Mullins. I saw that he struggled with Gods love for him. He never felt worthy, and he wasn’t. Neither are you and I. What struck me was his deep desire to know the God that people usually don’t go far enough to find. That’s what I want. I want more than the simplistic and weak God that we seem to create and prop up for everyone to see. I know He is love and that is the thing He commanded of us, but He is more. Sometimes we use that characteristic of Him to crowd out truth and make our way easier. I want to know better the God Who is powerful, wild and passionate about me and you. I want to know better the One that is ready to unleash power and purpose into my life. I believe He is waiting for us to pass off the mundane in our life to Him and start living a life that is full and free. Once we give it all to Him, leave it there. Don’t go back and take it. For me, that involves not worrying over everyday details, live in the moment that God has put me and just taking those leaps of faith.