It has been a very long time since I wrote last. Things have gone from bad to worse. This life of chronic illness is truly a roller coaster. I plan to be very honest in this post and I don’t know if my experience is a divine circumstance or my just being pig-headed but I believe it can only change me, hopefully for the better. I don’t know how to lament and be eloquent at the same time like David was in Psalms but will do my best to try to be coherent.
I have had struggles with thoughts of anger and violence for quite a while, mostly fueled by health issues…high toxicity in my body including heavy metals. I know a lot of what is in my head is health driven but exactly how much of it I don’t know. I think about Jacob and his wrestling with God-a lot. Why do some of us seem to easily trust and follow God and others seem to fight, kicking and screaming all the way. My case..It’s like I am always being pushed down and suffocated. Chaos is what I see all around me. God is not the author of that so why is it always here. Then there are verses like these…
– Come to me you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest –
– Ask and it shall be given to you –
– I will restore health to you –
– The prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well –
– Heal me O Lord and I shall be healed –
…and yet Paul prayed three times and never saw the healing he asked for. So what does that mean for me? What else am I supposed to do to? What does God want from me?? What else do I have to give up? I feel everything has been taken away already. Is it wrong to wrestle with God? Since I am a rule follower it feels out of line to wrestle, but Jacob did it…and God blessed him in the end.
I hear from other Christians how I am supposed to deal with this….. we are in control of our thoughts…it’s our choice how we deal with things….just have a little more faith…pray a little harder…God sees you and loves you… you are not alone. The quick solution seems to be the preferred, but is it always the best? Again, is it okay to wrestle with God? I’m thinking it is and we do believers a disservice by judging and rushing their healing. Maybe God is trying to teach them something, or a lot of somethings. God says He can work through our weaknesses, His strength is sufficient. The waiting is painful and difficult and I don’t know how much longer I can do this. How long is an “OK” amount of time to wrestle? I am going on 30 years of some sort of illness. That’s a long time. I know I can be grateful to even have had 30 years but it doesn’t make it easier.
I’ve never been a feel-y, relational kind of person and I do things because, basically, they are supposed to be done. I have mostly related to God in a logical, factual way but I think it should be much more than that. I see other believers who are “gushy” about their relationship with the Lord…that is pretty foreign to me and doesn’t come naturally in any part of my life. I know I have trouble bridging the brain and the heart. All I know to do right now is keep plugging forward. I know God will win this battle but what will I be like when He does. The alternative is to give up seeking and asking but that is not good. There must be something more I am to learn, or some way He is going to use the suffering. As Sheila Walsh says…”It’s okay to not be okay”and that’s going to have to do for now. Until the match is done and there is some resolution, I have a couple of verses to move toward.
Taste and see that the Lord is good. Psalm 34:8
My ears had heard of You, but now my eyes have seen You. Job 42:5
Jacob had to come to a place where his relationship with God was his own and not just passed along by his heritage. We all face Him on our own someday and only bring what we have that’s ours, that He gave us. Looks like some of us, like me, will arrive with quite a few battle wounds, but I am glad His main desire is for us to just be there.